Now of course nobody put a gun to my head to have a baby. I knew what I was doing when I was laying down with my son’s father. but like every mother who has went through what I have; I NEVER expected it to be like this. A little background on us before I get into the juicy detailsss 
my son’s father was the first man I ever been with. He took my virginity when we first got together and when King was conceived we were dealing with each other for more than 2 years. A year before King, we found out I was pregnant. I was scared and didn’t have a backbone of my own so we went down to the Planned Parenthood and I got an abortion. I can’t begin to tell you the pain in my chest being in that room alone, seeing a baby I won’t ever hold on the screen. I went through with the process and for a month I bled and mourned a child who I’ll never know. So when I found out I was pregnant AGAIN, I wasn’t taking anybody’s advice. Whether my son's father was around or not, I was keeping my baby. 🤷🏽♀️ I didn’t care what anybody said, I knew this was God. From the very beginning, that little boy saved me. I heard everything from you’ll be doing it alone to your just like your real mother; I took everything onna chin, and kept it pushing. I went to my appointments by myself, and I worked until my very last week.. my pregnancy was not easy. I didn’t have the support system a lot of females have. My son’s father just came to the very first appointment and the last. I had some friends and some family but everybody was going through something so I couldn’t expect people to do the impossible. Now I was still attending church (my son’s grandmother is my pastor) and I was doing everything in the book so the other members wouldn’t see my growing stomach.. at first it was particularly easy but as my face started to change and I got bigger I knew I couldn’t hide it anymore. Everyone in here ain’t innocent and I know that but I can’t help but to feel ashamed and embarrassed. I’m pregnant in the pews. How am I okay sitting in the audience hearing people preach about how sex before marriage is a sin and here I am not married and pregnant. That’s when God spoke to me and said “you will birth the nations that keep my name, my glory, and my love alive” MEEEEE? the girl who felt abandoned, unwanted and unclean? TO BIRTH NATIONSSSS? Shittttttt Okay I’m not finna question you Big Guy 
I stopped being so ashamed and embraced the trials I had to go through. I was a senior in High School so while people were working to pay for prom, I was working to pay for my baby shower and the birth of my son. When prom came around, my family and friends did their best to get me to enjoy it. I asked my son’s father to accompany me, which he declined so I just went by myself. I got a dress that was on sale in Jersey Gardens and used my older sister’s heels. I did my own hair and makeup with the help of a close family friend and I had my nephew walk me down the steps. It wasn’t much but being that I won’t be able to redo my last year, I had to make the best of it. According to M.E.T.S Charter School, I wasn’t able to walk across stage during graduation because I “failed a PSAT math class” 🥴 (mad people failed that class, they still walked) I knew in my heart I wasn’t allowed to walk across because I was the only pregnant senior. My heart broke sitting in the audience cheering on all my friends, wishing it was me up there too. but even then I knew God would have me walk across so many other stages that this one wouldn’t even matter. I was just happy that I was able to get my diploma, that my son would have at least a high school graduate as a mama. Looking back it really seemed like from day one, everything was put in my way so I wouldn’t have my baby. BUT GOD! God made King piece by piece even before him being in my womb so it was ALL IN THE PLAN. if I didn’t go through what I did, would I have the unconditional, undying love for my son that I have today? when people tell me “your son has a love for God that we’ve never seen” I just be wanting to say because at our lowest, that’s who he heard and felt me crying and praying for! But I just go right into praying over my son because even as a little child, GROWN ASS ADULTS envy the God in him. I don't regret having my child young. I don't regret the nights staying up crying, questioning why me. Divine connection is real. I would have never got closer to God, if it wasn't for my son's grandmother. From the moment she met me, she told me God had a special plan for me and my journey will not be easy but my blessing would be GRANDDDD! 🙌🏽 and it was. My beautiful, God fearing, stubborn son. Now the only thing I want to do is remind other young women who may feel like they made the wrong choice or did it too early is that it's purpose in your trials. If it wasn't meant to be, God would have never allowed it to happen. And sometimes our blessings have to come with a lil rain so God knows that you are ready. I would have been lost and confused if the Destiny that never went through anything had to raise a young man, and deal with what I have. My shortcomings and failures made my skin thick and my faith unmeasurable. Babygirl, it might seem unbearable and you might think you can't make it through but you just have to have a lil bit of faith. Have faith because God is holding your hand and catching every tear that falls. He has something so big planned for you, just stay strong. If we were to fold at every inconvenience, don't you think we would have been dead a LONGGGGGG time ago? and if you didn't die then, what makes this time any different? The problems don't just go away either when you find God; in fact it gets harder and harder. The devil gets soooo mad when the things he sent to destroy us only makes our story worth reading and following. So keep making him mad sis, God has some things he's preparing you for! 🎯
And don't forget, the scripture says "No weapon formed against me shall prosper" not that there wouldn't be weapons, (and sometimes it'll be whole grenades thrown at you) but they WILL NOT PROSPER. So be grateful and remain faithful in the battlefield. The best soldiers don't get accolades for just being there. They get them for fighting their hardest and never giving up. 🥳
Love,
Des B 🦋